summerrrrrrrrrrrr

so uh.. its phoneblog time .

apparently i am technologically inept, because my macbook STILL has no internet... even tho i bought a perfectly functional airport express (well lets be real, my mom bought it. that shit was 99 dollllllars) and if you're my friend on aim you know i was broke.. for mad long . i still kinda am- even tho coinstar got me 97 dollars .


its funny how money becomes sooo important when

you ain't got none .

yeh you like that english? I know you do.

but I'm saying all that to say, i can't blog on my macbook, I refuse to blog on my home computer (because its in the other room, and I only blog at night when I'm in bed) soooooo here I am laying in the dark, tapping away at my sidekick .


uhm I had a epiphany the other day, it was lightweight deep so I hope I can illustrate it properly with my words ..

this all spawned from the simple question- "why are you so defensive?"

remember how I said I have a jaded view on falling in love, well that ties into my defensiveness.

I'm defensive because I'm scared. point blank. I'm scared of getting attached to people, I'm scared of commitment... so I build up a figurative wall.

now - sidenote; I'm a very backwards person. and I'm about to tell you a secret.

pssst.. you have to lean in close... I like my wall .

I like being defensive

this figurative brick wall that I've been building and fortifying keeps me safe and warm and happy .

its when the wall is challenged that I get hurt.

when the wall starts to crumble and I'm vulnerable and exposed, that's all bad.

now, I know that's odd. but honestly if I'm happy I don't see any reason not to be defensive...

do you get it?
I'm defensive because I have to be. if this wasn't the only way I'm sure I'd be different


but for now?
i`m content.

motherfxck yeh

i moved out of my dormitorio today, yessir . packed up my shit. hugged my bestfriend and got the fuck out .

but i have to go back, to vaccuum and dust . maaaaaaahvelous .

and i have a few more people to hug .

honestly i`ma miss it a little,
like the random weird quirky things .

like napping in aaron & jordans room, when they aren't even there.

or watching freaks & geeks/criminal minds/bones/brave new voices/anything really w/ kyndal on the macbook.

answering christinas' random questions.

3am hugs after heartfelt (& helpful) aim convos.

the inside jokes.

latik-aaaaaaaah

brave new voices (voices)

sephora adventures

attempting to speak spanish

bootleg reid & beautiful boy.

kyndal-isms & simone-ologies

hearing things like- " shut up you std infested trick" or "pearl active" through the window

falling off beds that squeak for no reason.

the infamous "are you two related" questions .

translating bay language for kyndal

the dining commons on pasta bar day

and

lemonade popsicles.



but summer has begun, so who's tryna kick it. lets make memories. =)

2:34am

i should be writing a paper.. 

but i am emotionally distraught 

so of course i'm blogging. 

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn't feel the same way 

or worse- you didn't know whether or not they felt the same because you were afraid to ask? 

ding ding ding- thats me ! 

the shyest girl in the room when that persons around, i get giddy and nervous, and ridiculously tongue tied and overly self analytical. i can't be clever, or witty, its hard for me to form sentences. its like i've been confronted by jesus himself and he's asked me whether i have sinned. (we both know the answer, ahem).. 

and i'm just trying to figure out why- WHY i can harmlessly flirt with every boy i'm not remotely attracted to but when it comes to him i am like a 9th grade girl who doesn't know how to express her feelings in a coherent manner, but just wishes he'll come up and hug me. 

have you ever had a crush on someone and wanted to text them or call them, but knew you didn't have shit to say? 

you- hey

them- hey

you- howre you

them- fine howre you 

you- good.. (uh.....)..how's school?

SCHOOL?! REALLY?! you know you don't wanna talk about school! so why in the world are bringing it up?! oh right because you're mind has turned to goo and you were so excited that your phone was vibrating and it was them texting you back - THAT YOU FORGOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER TO SAY.

idk if you've been in that situation. 

but i have. 

and god forbid if anyone but them texts you while you're waiting for their response. 

cuz i be ignoring people. straight up, i'm like - YOU ARE NOT HIM, SO YOU CAN WAIT. 

and you may be saying to yourself, this girl is crazy- just let him know you like him. 

JUST DO IT !

this is not a motherfucking nike commercial. 

it is not that simple. 

for this reason - 

rejection is a bitch. i personally would rather live in doubt then have to deal with the fact that someone i'm emotionally attached to doesn't think of me in the same way.. even tho it sucks. 

but hey thats just me. one day i may have the courage to actually audibly express my feelings. 

but i highly doubt it. 

well now that i've got that weight off my chest, maybe i can go about my school work. 

aha sike ,

peace.