summerrrrrrrrrrrr

so uh.. its phoneblog time .

apparently i am technologically inept, because my macbook STILL has no internet... even tho i bought a perfectly functional airport express (well lets be real, my mom bought it. that shit was 99 dollllllars) and if you're my friend on aim you know i was broke.. for mad long . i still kinda am- even tho coinstar got me 97 dollars .


its funny how money becomes sooo important when

you ain't got none .

yeh you like that english? I know you do.

but I'm saying all that to say, i can't blog on my macbook, I refuse to blog on my home computer (because its in the other room, and I only blog at night when I'm in bed) soooooo here I am laying in the dark, tapping away at my sidekick .


uhm I had a epiphany the other day, it was lightweight deep so I hope I can illustrate it properly with my words ..

this all spawned from the simple question- "why are you so defensive?"

remember how I said I have a jaded view on falling in love, well that ties into my defensiveness.

I'm defensive because I'm scared. point blank. I'm scared of getting attached to people, I'm scared of commitment... so I build up a figurative wall.

now - sidenote; I'm a very backwards person. and I'm about to tell you a secret.

pssst.. you have to lean in close... I like my wall .

I like being defensive

this figurative brick wall that I've been building and fortifying keeps me safe and warm and happy .

its when the wall is challenged that I get hurt.

when the wall starts to crumble and I'm vulnerable and exposed, that's all bad.

now, I know that's odd. but honestly if I'm happy I don't see any reason not to be defensive...

do you get it?
I'm defensive because I have to be. if this wasn't the only way I'm sure I'd be different


but for now?
i`m content.